2002-12-02 - Fall Orgo Night
Butler Library Reading Room, 11:59pm
[march in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the Catholic League, it's the most straightforwardly fucking offensive band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Boy, Get Over Here And Suck My Cock!
{if they boo, say: "Whoa now, folks. Two things. 1) That the marching band will go to hell is a historical inevitability. You knew this was coming, so don't get excited. 2) I haven't gotten past the intro yet--do you have any fucking clue as to what you're gonna be in for tonight? Now shut the fuck up so we can proceed."}
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Alter Boys - Saying Mass With Their Mouths Full
J. Jesus Christ - Rolling Over In His Grave
and J. Rabbis - Look At The Top of That Yarmulke Bob!
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semicircular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring North Korean SCUDS going up, Senator Paul Wellstone's plane going down, and the MTA going nowhere during finals, the band now presents its 36th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
{ALTERNATE:} Welcomes itself, in keeping with 30 years of tradition, to lavish, luminous, loquacious, lurid, and legendary Low Library, where the steps are rock hard, but sadly not the men, and where the women wear togas, but are cold and metallic in spite of having spent a month under blowtorches and the fingers of men wearing thick rubber gloves. Featuring Alma Mater being rubbed down, Alma Mater being fired up, and Alma Mater being stuffed in a trash bag for a week, the band now presents its 36th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[play Who Owns New York]
This semester has seen the introduction of several renovations to the core curriculum. Those of us who suffered through L&R can now only bitch like crazy as improvements are made to the sad program. Hold that, improvements? Modeling anything on Yale has got to be a mistake. A new haven of writing competency will not mask the fact that the side effects of New Haven include street crime, ugly students, secret societies, and George W. Bush, who incidentally, has now pardoned more turkeys than people. But since we would all like to stop thinking about L&R now, let's instead consider the new science core, in which all scientific enlightenment is attributed to Western minds. Much as the original function of Contemporary Civilizations was to prove to ourselves that we were philosophically superior to the Ottomans, this new science core will hopefully convince underclassmen that we are scientifically superior to the Arabs. We'll just ignore the fact that we couldn't count to zero until they pointed out that if with our ten fingers we don't put up any fingers, we can easily grasp the concept of nothingness. But that's not the point. The point is that Iraqis are evil. Similarly, in the new East & West Colloquium, Iraq isn't east, it's not west, it's in the middle {scriptreader grabs his own testicles}, so it can go suck Core Director Eileen Gillooly's 13-inch cock. Which is to say, Iraq is outside the scope of the course. In honor of scoping the course coarsely, the Marching Band now plays the Iraqi national anthem, soon to be the Kuwait national anthem once again. Please stand for "Land of Two Rivers."
[play Land of Two Rivers]
In other Middle Eastern news: divestment. Actually, divestment is far too contentious for the black and white worldview of the marching band. In our ignorance, however, we do have a few suggestions regarding the matter. First, why not divest from the football team? Columbia has already divested from the fencing team, and they actually win! But then again, if Columbia hasn't divested from Citibank, it's not likely to divest from anything. On the other hand, perhaps encouraging Citibank's immorality is part of Columbia's new mental health campaign. Consider: Against all odds, there has yet to be a single student suicide this semester. This is no doubt a direct result of the constant human contact provided to Columbia's depressed by all-hours telemarketers. As one well-serviced student put it, {shout from the band:} "It's like having nightline call you!" And as other former depressives chortled: {another shouter:} "No appointment is necessary!" {a third:} "And you're not cut off after a mere twelve sessions!" In fact, about the only thing that could possibly be better than unsolicited phone calls from people who can't pronounce your name worth shit even if your name IS "Shit" is drugs! In honor of the true answer to all your problems, the band now comes out of its haze to play "Lithium."
[play Lithium, and noone pass out while playing, please]
Of course, while there have been no student deaths, alumni donators have been dropping like--will the marching band ever tire of that joke? First Alfred Lerner, now Roone Arledge. On the upside, now we can bulldoze that neon blue piece of trash, rebuild, and name it after someone with better architectural taste. Of course, Wien's been dead for years, and we have yet to demolish either of the shitty monuments to him. {Ray-dar, a la cheerleader ‘shabuya': "Yeah dorm! Yeah football stadium!"} And let's not forget that John Jay's honorary persists despite two centuries of rotting in his coffin. Could Columbia really be stuck with Lerner Hall through the 23rd century? Shit. But with the Columbia elite scrambling to be sized for caskets, the marching band suggests that Columbia hurry up and name a building after George Rupp so the poor bastard can finally drink himself to death. Indeed, no tribute could be more fitting than establishing, on that curiously empty spot in the middle of Lion's Court, the George Rupp Open-air Wet Bar! No second ID necessary, just credit booze with dining dollars! But speaking of Rupp, does anyone else find it rather odd that in Rupp's entire ten year tenure, not a single trustee died, whereas Bollinger's been here a single semester and we're already down two? The words "cleaning house" come to mind. The band now plays precisely what trustees seem NOT to be doing under Bollinger, Living...On A Prayer or otherwise.
[play Livin' On A Prayer, and play it...lustfully]
This rash of suspicious trustee deaths isn't the only thing gone wrong under our man, Lee, however. Since Bollinger got here, Columbia has gotten slapped by the EPA with an $800,000 fine, midterm elections have gone to hell, SEAS students have made a mockery of the GRE--or is it the other way around--in any case, Bollinger is clearly the third man, Iraq has jumped the gun, and the Lamont-Doherty Observatory--incidentally, both Lamont and Doherty are dead--and the Lamont-Doherty Observatory has been vibrating baby whales to death. Clearly, then, Bollinger is the Anti-Christ. Now that Bollinger--which is to say, "Satan"--is in charge, even the football team is sucking harder. But Lee C's crowning suck so far has been his amazing willingness to take it up the ass for the sake of the university. For instance: In spite of its constant violation of Columbia's anti gay-discrimination policy, the US Airforce has been allowed to recruit on campus. Bowing to the threat of a withdrawal of Department of Defense funding to Columbia, Bollinger let them in, and bent over to boot. Lee, some of them want to use you. Some of them want to be used by you. The airforce just wants to abuse you.
[break into Sweet Dreams, and play it... HARD]
Given that the military has Bollinger by the balls, we might soon see Columbia's toleration policy get tossed out faster than Eric J. Furda can blow his wad on a batch of early decision applications. Under the new military plan, all gay and lesbian students--out. But let's consider the benefits of crippling homophobia: With no students left at Barnard, the army can freely renovate West 118th Street into that Harlem military base they've always wanted. But no doubt Lee C. will take on this blatant racial profiling before the Supreme Court of America as he travels there not once, but twice in the ensuing year in order to save both the noble goals of affirmative action and his own ass. A little known fact about Bollinger's ass, however, is that it too will be appearing before the Supreme Court, representing the plaintiffs in the Texas sodomy case. It makes sense--Bollinger should have all the necessary experience after having been so violently raped up the ass by the airforce. To help our man with the pain, the band now plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[play I Wanna Be Sedated, and play it as though the comfort of Lee C. Bollinger's rectum depended on it, because it does]
Strangely, the first organization to leap to Bollinger's aid in defending consensual sodomy between adults was in fact the Catholic Church. Church spokesmen explained that the Texas anti-sodomy law is, uh, in direct conflict with some basic tenants of the Catholic Church. The marching band would like to suggest, as it has already on at least one other occasion, that the various diocese have taken this whole brotherhood of man business just a bit too far. Take Cardinal Law--putting the devil back in hell is one thing, but pretending to be the second coming of Christ to get some ass smacks just a little too much of Boccaccio's Decameron for our taste. Students of both genders are now cursing the fact that their best tactic with the Barnard gals has been exposed. In honor of Lady Noodlehead barnyarding in the seize of heavenly passion, or is it Barnard ladies giving head in passing to the heavenly noodles of SEAS students?--whichever--the marching band now plays "Loveshack."
[play Loveshack, and play it salaciously]
But speaking of noodleheads: After a streak of stellar seasons, culminating in an even more stellar season this year whose sole win was instantly blown out of the headlines by the band blowing up on a blow, blowhard Ray Tellier has finally blown it. Nonetheless, contractual warts ensure that Tellier will remain on staff. In other words, Tellier will get paid for contributing absolutely nothing valuable, just like always. This first step towards building a better football team is only too timely. Otherwise we might have had to start attending track meets to get ahead. Or we could just get it Sunday after-hours at St. Pat's Cathedral. Anyhow, as part of stage two of operation Make CU Football Not Suck, athletic director Dr. Johnathan Reeves has announced several other firings. These include: Dean Yatrakis, because academics were getting in the team's way. Barnard President Judith Shapiro, because if Barnard weren't there, dammit, we could build a field closeby, and of course, because the football team would succumb to fewer STDs that way. And finally, the Columbia University Marching Band, because sadly, we draw bigger crowds than the team, but mostly because we're thoughtless assholes. To prove this fact, we'll now musically represent the average score at a Columbia football away game, "25 or a thousand to 2."
[play 25 or 6 to 4, and play it with SOUL!]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
A mole of ester is sensitive to the touch, whereas a molester touches sensitive areas.
A Brinell Number is the hardness of a ball of metal as expressed after hydraulically pressing it under a standard load. A Barnard number is what you call when you've got that standard hardness by your balls and feel the need to hydraulically express your load.
If your litmus paper turns blue, it means the solution is a base. If your litmus paper turns red, it means the solution is an acid. If your litmus paper makes the walls breathe as your eyes go BLAM! While the sun sets behind the swirling fluorescent kaleidoscope of Fruity Pebbles in the endless chain of karma sucking you up like the last piece of lint in the great belly button called Earth, it basically means YOU'RE on acid.
Goodnight kids. Try not to break any bookshelves on the way out.
[march out to Raw]